For the Life of the Flesh is in the Blood

Living in Texas there are really only two relevant seasons:  Winter and Summer (though it could be argued that its really Fall and Summer).  As the humidity and temperature increases to swamp like proportions it's time to bust out your favorite cold drink for a reprieve and my favorite reprieve is Sangria.

If you haven’t had a cold glass of sangria on a sweltering day you're missing out on life.  Much like the rejuvenating power of the blood in your veins sangria can cool, soothe and lighten the mood.

My favorite Sangria easily comes from Alamo Drafthouse (though I wouldn’t turn my nose up at sangria from, well, anywhere).  Theirs is the perfect combination of sweet and strong; the perfect tonic to imbibe while watching whatever shit show you're paying $10 to see.

While I could never find their recipe, I did find one that closely resembles it and might even be superior in many ways.  All bow down to the majesty that is Martha Stewart!  That jailbird has the perfect recipe that I always bust out when making a gallon or 5.  You can find her recipe here, Summer Sangria, if you're a purist but I'm going to let you in on my secret adaptation.  It'll save you a few steps and a lot of effort and yield the exact same flavor.

Robert's Martha Stewart Summer Sangria Rip Off

Ingredients:

• 1 750ml bottle of Dry Red Wine (Bordeaux, Claret, Pinot Noir; anything but Merlot or Cabernet Sauvignon)
• 1 liter bottle of Central Market Blood Orange Italian Soda
• 1 Orange, sliced in half then crosswise into crescent slices
• 1 Lemon or Lime sliced thinly
• ¼ - ½ cup of Brandy

 Directions:

In a large pitcher combine your wine, brandy and citrus.  The longer you let this marinate the better blended the flavors will be but it isn't a necessity.  Hold off adding the soda until you're ready to serve otherwise you'll lose the fizz.  If you anticipate going through the whole pitcher quickly, dump all of the soda in.  If not, you can mix the wine and soda individually in each glass.  It's pretty much a 1:1 ratio but feel free to adjust.  More soda if you like it sweeter, more wine if you like it stronger.  If you're feeling a little boozy, add more brandy for an extra kick.  The great thing about this recipe is that it's easy to adjust and accommodate to your individual tastes or needs.  If you like your sangria super cold, pour it over ice or let it sit in the fridge for at least a couple of hours.  

This recipe yields about 2 liters.  Double it for about a gallon.

Enjoy!

Work, Work, Work, Work, Work, Work

There is one question in this world that I absolutely loathe being asked.  Not because it's uncommon or uncouth.  It's perfectly acceptable and expected that you receive this question from new acquaintances or when catching up with friends or family.  It's just there's no straightforward, simple answer.  The nuance and detail that encompasses the answer is why I hate to get this question at all.

"What do you do?"

As in for a living.  What is your job?  Cue the side eye and groan.

I work for the Texas House of Representatives, an agency of the State of Texas.  In particular I work for the Office of the Sergeant-at-Arms, a department of the agency.  Keeping up?

Officially, let me refer you to Rule 2, Section 4 of the Texas House Rules for the official duties.  While this does go into detail of the duties of the Sergeant-at-Arms, it's just the tip. (Sidebar:  that was totally intentional).  The primary job of the Sergeant-at-Arms is to maintain decorum on the House Floor and during Committee hearings.  What does that mean?  If you act a fool we'll take you out!

More than that the Sergeant controls access into the Chamber.  Say your local Representative proposed something ridiculous like taxing every turd your cat pooped and you wanted to read him for filth.  You couldn't just mosey on in and berate the fool at his desk.  I mean, you could TRY but you'd fail.  God forbid you made it through the doors then the Sergeant-at-Arms would escort your sorry ass out before you had a chance to make a beeline for the sorry SOB.

The Sergeant has assistants stationed at all entrances to permit those with the privilege (such as Representatives) to enter the floor and to deny entrance to those that don't.  What about the right of the public?  There's an appropriate forum for that but this isn't a civics course and maybe I'll go into that at another time. Suffice it to say there is a public viewing gallery stationed above the floor where people can come and view the proceedings.  Operative word being "view", not "participate".  We don't allow demonstrations to occur while in session so if you can't keep you ass shut we'll kick your ass out.  Actually we'll ask your ass to shut the fuck up but if you continue…you get the gist.

So in addition to the security aspect we help keep things moving smoothly.  The members like to recognize different groups from the state and their districts on the floor and our staff assists in organizing and escorting them from the back of the chamber into the floor and back out.  It's not uncommon for us to also assist other officers of the house in the execution of their duties.  If an important notice needs to be physically distributed to every member on the floor, we make it happen.  If a member has a diagram or chart to best visually explain what their bill does, we bring it out and set it up. 

There are too many Representatives and not enough space to allow all of their staff onto the floor for their every whim.  Because of that our office employs a messenger service which takes and bring things from the Representative to their staff.  These messengers are colloquially referred to as "House Sergeants" and one of my main duties is supervising this workforce to make sure they're doing what they're employed to do and not doing what they're not employed to do.  Our messengers, as opposed to others, are only allowed to do official state business.  We don't do food deliveries, escort visitors or pass out personal invitations or errands of the like.  That's when my job as Captain Save-A-Ho comes into play to shut that shit down.

Aside from managing the House Sergeants my primary task at work is running a popular service we provide.  I probably spend 99.9999% of my time executing this.  If you ever had a flag flown over the Texas State Capitol, there's a good chance I processed your order.  Most offices in the Capitol are capable of providing this service but we're kind of the default office for the public to go to.  We even have a website set up where anyone can place an order.

This is how the flag bidness works.  You want to fly a flag.  I have flags in 4 different sizes and 2 different materials for you to choose from.  Then you select a future date.  Contrary to popular belief, there isn't a Scrooge McDuck vault somewhere with flags stored from every date since 1845 nor is there a time machine I can send a flag back in.  You submit your order and I go about my duties in making sure we have enough flags in inventory to have your flag flown on whatever date you choose.  I  gather the flags to be flown for the day, whether its 1 or 50, and send them to Capitol DPS which has the unenviable task of hauling the days flags up the dome of the capitol where they are flown.

I retrieve the flags the next day, print a certificate for each attesting it's been flown, slap a house seal on it and get them ready to be picked up or shipped out.  On some days this can be a one to two hour task.  On other days it can bleed into the next.  National and State holidays and Graduation season have me typically tearing my hair out at the sheer volume of orders I have to process.

This is what I do.  Not all of it.  There's far more than this but these are the major bullet points.  There are definitely some good tales to be told from working here but I'll spill the tea at a later date.  In the meantime I'll leave you with a view from the window outside my work station.

Oh wait, this view sucks right now. 

Rebel Heart

This past January a defining moment in my life occurred.  For as far back as I can remember I have been enthralled with Madonna.  I acutely remember being like 6 years old at my aunt and uncle's home and my older cousins watching MTV or VH1 and just being mesmerized by a Madonna music video.  From the pink, Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend dress in Material Girl to the peep show in Open Your Heart; each video is as much a part of my childhood memory as decapitated figurines (thanks Mark!) and the smell of fresh corn tortillas from La Gitana tortilleria.  Having associated most of my life with the music of this icon  I found myself having a culmination of sorts when attending my first Madonna concert.

This wasn't my first attempt at seeing her Madgesty in concert.  Her last tour brought her to Dallas and I jumped at the opportunity to see her then.  I wrangled my two best friends and we were set to make a weekend trip out of it.  The motherfucking night before the concert as I prepped my overnight bad I received a text and email detailing the concerts cancellation.  To say I was crushed would be an understatement however something in my soul said it wasn't going to happen.  I hadn't allow myself to get excited about it.  To add insult to injury I made the mistake of making nonrefundable prepaid hotel reservations (a mistake I will NEVER make again).  I felt so betrayed I didn't listen to a Madonna song for months.

After about a year my resolve softened though it would take another year for me to even entertain the thought of viewing that tour's concert footage.  Slowly the music returned to my life just in time for the Rebel Heart album.

I will admit that I am a Madonna stan however that doesn't mean I'm not cognizant of her faults.  The previous couple of albums were misfires.  Sure they were catchy and good at times but as a whole they lacked the artistry and boldness of Madonna at her peak.  She had been waning and it was all too obvious to see.  I'm not sure that you could chalk it up to age as much as an entertainer trying to stay relevant.  Madonna didn't have to try.

When Rebel Heart was released it was a return to form.  Actually the release wasn't the pivot as much as the leak of the album's demos was.  The demos were pure pop perfection but the leaks obviously caused a mad dash at remixing and drastically changing what were already perfection.  The leak hurt the album big time on the charts and threw the queen off her game.  I firmly believe if everything had gone to plan Rebel Heart would have easily made a best of list.  In any case, this album had restored my faith in Madonna and was giving me life.

When the tour was announced I seriously contemplated getting tickets but the bitch had scheduled her dates on a rainbow around the south.  I had no interest in traveling out of state to catch her so it was a non starter.  Little to my surprise she was extend her tour and set a date in good ole San Antonio.  Done and done.

I enlisted my bff in accompanying me and we planned to stay at his mother's home in San Antonio.  No hotel messiness this trip (screw you Fairmont Dallas!).  The previous concert attempt left me nervous.  If I didn't allow myself to get excited for the last one, I sure as shit kept myself numb for this one.  I didn't want to be disappointed again and I don’t do disappointment well.  No hope was better than anything.

We arrived at the venue about an hour before the concert was scheduled to begin.  We went with my bff's San Antonio friends and they questioned arriving early.  Everyone knew that Madonna was chronically late to her concerts.  I didn't care.  I wasn't going to chance missing a moment of the show.  I should have listed.

If not for the alcohol I would have been a ranting lunatic.  30 minutes turned into an hour and an hour turned into two.  At two the arena lights went dim, the stage lights came up and….the dj started his set.  Motherfucker.  At two and a half hours the real show began.

I was annoyed.  I had been bored forever and was tired.  It was 10:30 Sunday night and this diva needs her beauty rest.  I was kinda over the concert before it even began.  Then the video started.  Emblazoned across 3 gigantic screens was the opening video that set the tone for the entire night.  Madonna invoking Monroe.  Mike Tyson in a cage.  All which lead to Samurai dancers marching in unison carrying cross staffs as Madonna descended onto the stage in a cage.

All. Was. Forgiven.

Sticks and Stones...

I had a friend confide in me an acquaintance's opinion on me.  I already knew this person wasn't fond of me so I was prepared for the worst.  I wasn't, however, prepared for the exact adjective that was used.  What word describes the opinion this person has of me?  "Disgusting"

What the fuck!?  Of all the fucking words in the world that's the operative word?  I feel like this revelation caused me to go through the 5 stages of grief.

1.  Denial - Surely he wasn't talking about me?  I've been nothing but kind and courteous to this prick!  There must be some mistake.  Maybe it's a misunderstanding.

2.  Anger - Fuck that hoe!  I was prepared to walk over to his place, knock on the door and read that heifer for filth.  I was channeling my inner New York and was ready for it to go down.  Probably kinda like this:

Then I decided that would be overkill but I would confront him the next time I saw him.  Which considering how infrequent that was would probably never happen.

3.  Bargaining - Ok, I skipped this one.  What was I going to do?  Beg and plead my case?  Fuck that.  Next!

4.  Depression - I mulled it over for a day.  That someone thought of me that way ate at my soul.  It wasn't racing in my mind but it was in the background festering.

5.  Acceptance - Ultimately I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter before I found out and it didn't matter after.  His opinion didn't negate me as a person; it didn't make me a lesser person.  He was entitled to his opinion and in all likelihood I had probably done something to contribute to it.  Maybe I was too lowbrow?  Maybe I was too crass in my sense of humor?  Maybe he found out that I thought he was a controlling cold asshole and marveled at how he maintained a relationship with someone diametrically opposed in every possible way.  (Yeah, that was a read.)

People are going to have their opinion of you both good and bad.  You have to decide whether that's going to effect you or not.  You have to be secure in who you are to not let the praise bring you up or the scorn bring you down.

As Ru's Mama says, "If they ain't paying your bills, pay them bitches no mind."

I'm back, bitches!  So this is, what, my third attempt at posting to this regularly?  Initially I had some misguided attempt to log a sanitized version of my life.  Let's be real deal Holyfield:  that was never interesting and I'm not interested in documenting the more interesting, salacious aspects of my life.  Mostly because I’m not going to put myself out there like that.  Regardless of whether it's your intention or not, everyone is trying to project an image of themselves to the public and I'm no different.

Now that that's out of the way  I have been inspired by my cousin Melissa's food blog and Chelsea Hander's Netflix docuseries to attempt to produce something of some sort of value which I have always wanted to do.  By both its become rather evident that to really do something worthwhile I'll have to plan out my posts.  I've been brainstorming and have come up with a few ideas that I think will be interesting from a personal and public perspective.  This way I can add my perspective to particular topics but also pepper those with posts of events in my life that I feel would be fun to document.  Life has been particularly busy so there are a few things coming up that I think will help to break up the musings.

I'm going to TRY to leave out the rants and the opinions of those around me and try to focus on my own thoughts and ideas, though.  For that bullshit you can always check in on my Facebook or Twitter feeds ;)

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller recently passed away.  I have a great deal of respect for comedians.  It takes true talent, discipline, tenacity and balls to do what these people do.  Rather than go on about all the qualities comedians possess that I admire and covet, I'll just post the following to crack you up.

Somewhere there's a cackle roaring through air...



Rebirth

I've kinda lately been enthralled with the idea of leaving behind some record of my existence (like, say, this blog).  Probably a combination of being single, turning 30 and everyone around me having babies (don't drink the water!).  My mortality has also been occupying some thought as I've been seeing the doctor to diagnose the cause of some chest pressure I've been experiencing (I'm fairly certain it's an ulcer; cholesterol has come back normal and I've got a stress test tomorrow morning).

My past experience on this blog has been cosmetic at best.  On one hand I'm not too keen on divulging too much of myself and on another I'm all too aware of the person I want to portray as a representative of myself.  I don't care about any of that bullshit anymore.

If there's going to be a record of my existence, I'd like it to be representative of me and not who I want others to think I am.  That means covering all bases.  The good and the bad, boring and exciting, romantic and sexual.  Well...maybe not that last part.  I really don't need to document how much of a slut I am.  It'll suffice to say:  I am a slut.  Now you know.

At the moment its late summer in Texas, which means its hot as fuck!  My air conditioning went out on me for the second time this season but it wasn't too bad.  I finally caved and bought my cat Sadie a Kitty Kong.  Where have we been without you?  Treat time AND play time rolled into one?!

My latest obsessions have been Hells Kitchen (Gordon Ramsay is gifted in the fine art of tongue lashing), Political Animals (Brothers and Sisters meets The West Wing), Joseph Gordon-Levitt (amazing in The Dark Knight Rises and every other role he's done), Thom Evans (because he's fucking hot) and The Newsroom (Sorkin does it again!).

My tastes are fickle and ever changing so that list will change soon.  I've got my first trip to Vegas within sight and my first Madonna concert as well.  Assuming I'm not cash strapped because some car part needs replacing or my cat needing surgery.  Again.

Political season is gearing up and that means there will be posts on here questioning the stupidity of this candidate or that.  Mark my words:  at a time when Republicans were perfectly poised to sweep in and take the presidency, they put forth the most boring, non-charismatic rich man they could find.  Their dialog has no legs.  Obama WILL win a second term and they have no one to blame but themselves.

Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves. I'll be the first to admit that I'm easily annoyed and frustrated by the most trivial of things but there are a few pet peeves of mine that really grate on my nerves. Mostly these things are a matter of courtesy.

Poor manners really piss me off. Terms like "Please", "Thank You" and "You're Welcome" should be in your vernacular. If they're not, check yo self.

Waiting. Waiting for anything tends to piss me off. Long lines? Forget it. I'd rather go without than have to endur that madness. Waiting to meet someone? I'd rather be late (and quite frequently, I am). Purposely keeping someone waiting? That. shit. drives. me. nuts. Watching someone do that to someone really, really ticks me off.  Who are you to dictate how valuable someone else's time is?

"It is what it is."  I hate that stupid phrase!  No fucking duh!  The hallmark of a feeble mind incapable of ending a conversation.  I have more respect for the rude person who abruptly ends to do their own business than someone who ends with that moronic phrase.

What are the stupid things that drive you bat hit crazy?